Starting Kindergarten for the first time is certainly a significant milestone in a child’s life. This is an exciting time for many children and families as they look forward to meeting new friends and embarking on new adventures. However, for many children, this transition to school can bring up feelings of worry, uncertainty, and anxiety—particularly separation anxiety. Understanding this emotional response can allow parents to support children in developmentally appropriate and responsive ways. Often, the parent’s well-intentioned attempt to help children “feel less anxious” or “not worry about things” makes the anxiety worse. While separation anxiety is most common in toddlers and preschoolers, it is common for kindergarteners to experience it too. 

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a typical part of child development characterized by both internal and external expressions of sadness, anxiety or distress when a child is separated from their trusted caregiver. Typically occurring between the ages of 6 months and 3 years, separation anxiety can most certainly resurface throughout a child’s life, particularly when confronted with a new situation.  

Entering the big and exciting world of Kindergarten can mean meeting a whole new set of people – peers and teachers, wider socio-emotional  experiences, new rules and expectations to adhere to, and a significant amount of change in the overall routine. Since kindergarteners are more aware of their environment and the upcoming change, parents may encounter a great deal of anticipatory nervousness and avoidance of the big transition. Luckily, there are simple but effective strategies you can adopt to help a kindergartener with separation anxiety. 

Supporting kindergarteners with separation anxiety

• Validate your child’s feelings. Help your child label their feelings by building a vocabulary of feelings. When your child expresses big emotions, begin by acknowledging and identifying the feeling on their behalf. For example, perhaps you asked your child to stop playing with their toys and put on their shoes to leave for school, and you are met with a very loud “NO! I don’t want to go to school!” You can respond by saying, “I hear you yelling, I think you’re feeling upset that it’s time to go to school. Is that how you are feeling?” Typically, at this age, children are able to verbally articulate themselves and identify and express how they are feeling in a given moment. Allowing your child to share their feelings empowers them to express themselves clearly and cultivate their emotional intelligence; a critical life skill for children.
• Follow the same morning routine and try to stick to the same time to drop off your child to give them a sense of control. Also, try your best to pick up your child on time, barring things out of your control.
• Visit the school before needing to drop them off there on Day 1. Allow for ample time to tour the new environment and help your child get comfortable with it. Due to certain security protocols, this may need to be arranged in advance with school administration.
• Practice in small steps. Starting small can help your child adjust to longer periods of time away from you. Perhaps consider entrusting the care of your child to a family member or babysitter for a few hours at a time, and work to build up to longer periods away from your child, as you near the start of Kindergarten. 
• Try to create a departure ritual that you follow each time you leave. You could sit down and read one book with your child, then give a hug. Another could be committing to giving two high-fives, doing a little dance, and saying “See you later!” Additionally, you could partner with your child’s teacher for your departure ritual, so they can assist in comforting your child.
• Don’t prolong goodbyes. Happy and confident exits reassure the child that they are safe. Keep it positive since your kindergartner can pick up on your feelings. 
• Engage in a daily mindfulness practice – According to Dr. Laura Bakosh, Ph.D., Co-Founder of Inner Explorer, mindfulness can help children feel much more in control of their thoughts and emotions. This makes them feel more empowered and the process is backed by science. Mindfulness upregulates the thinking brain, and as a result, counteracts the biological reaction to stress and creates a lasting calm – beyond the moment of practice.
  
  What’s more - creating a mindfulness routine doesn’t have to be complicated, you can introduce mindfulness to your children for a couple of minutes every day through simple breathing techniques.
• Take the time to invest in the parent-teacher relationship. Since your provider is a close partner with you and your family in the daily care and education of your child —it can be one of the most important ones in your family’s life. Take them along with you on your journey to help ease your child’s separation anxiety- they want to help!  
• Build your child’s social confidence. Children vary widely in their social readiness. Some children are naturally social, effortlessly interacting with others. Other children may seem shy, anxious, or even aggressive in social situations. But a little education can go a long way in your child's social development, building confidence and increasing the chances for social success, especially in situations where they need to adjust to a new environment. 
• Practice social skills. Teach your child how to say hello, look someone in the eye, or ask to play, just as you would teach your child how to wash their hands or put on their coat. Use playdates to help build your child's social skills. Teach your child what to say and show them how to start talking to others. For example, show them how to tap a friend on the shoulder and ask, "Can I play with you?"

Book recommendations for supporting kindergarteners with separation anxiety

• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
• The Invisible Web by Patrice Karst

Keep calm and give yourself grace

Despite all these tools available to us, it is natural for parents to find it difficult to cope in the moment. Remember that big emotions are part and parcel of childhood development. The first step to emotional regulation is modeling calm behavior. Your child will take cues from you during an emotional moment. In addition, patience, understanding, and mindfulness are key to navigating these emotions. Parenting is a journey with ups and downs, so give yourself grace. 

For more actionable tips, you can listen to our early childhood experts Rachel Robertson and Claire Goss discuss this topic on Bright Horizon’s podcast for parents.