If you're the parent of a young child, you've likely witnessed some behaviors that appear aggressive – biting, hitting or kicking. Whether it is your child doing it or your child is on the receiving end, it can be unsettling.

Here’s why it happens, how to deal with it proactively, and how to manage it in the moment, when emotions are high.

Why does it happen?

Behavior is communication. Young children (anywhere between 10 months to 4 years) are still learning tools to identify and communicate their feelings. They don't have a lot of control over their lives, which can feel frustrating.  When overwhelmed, frustrated, or seeking attention, young children may resort to behaviors that seem aggressive. It is their way of communicating their needs or taking control of a situation. Whatever the reason, the first step is to stay calm ourselves and address the need being communicated. 

Meet your child's needs

Before diving into strategies for managing these behaviors, it’s important to be sure your child’s needs are being met. This may mean taking a moment to be a detective and ask yourself some questions: Are they hungry? Are they tired? Have they had a long day of waiting in line with you at the grocery store? Have they already run four errands with you this morning? The response to your questions will give you an indication of why your child is unsettled. That’s half the battle won. Understanding the underlying cause can go a long way in preventing future incidents.

Create a positive environment

Set your child up for success. More often than we realize, we ask of and expect a lot from children.  It is important to meet young children where they are developmentally and create opportunities for them to thrive. For example, if your child gets overstimulated at the playground when you go at the busiest time of the day and there's not enough shovels in the sandbox for your child, that’s your cue to do things differently. Try visiting during a less crowded time or bringing a shovel from home. This is a simple way for your child to feel more comfortable and in control. 

Stay calm and supportive

Staying calm in the moment is pivotal to helping your child through their emotions. What children need in a difficult situation is a loving adult to co-regulate with them so they may ultimately learn to self-regulate. Focus on understanding their feelings and providing support. Instead of scolding or punishing, listen, try to help them label their emotions. 

For example, you can say, ‘You seem frustrated because…’. ‘you seem tired. I noticed you keep yawning and rubbing your eyes’. ‘Do you feel upset? I see you’re starting to cry.’ ‘I wonder if you’re feeling angry, I noticed your voice is getting louder.’ If your child is verbal, let them pick one out that fits their feeling. If they aren’t able to label their feelings because they are too young or too upset, it is more important to focus on lending them calmer. Offering to do deep belly breaths with them is one way to do this. You could also change the scene, go for a walk, or involve them in calming sensory activities – like playing with clay, sand, or water. This can help them develop emotional regulation skills.

Have a script ready

It can be tough to stay in calm when behaviors occur. Having a script ready to go to can be very helpful. A script may look like: “You seem angry. Hitting hurts your brother’s body. Let’s take five deep breaths together to calm down.”  Try not to label the child’s conduct, but instead speak of its impact on the receiver. Children typically don’t intend to have the impact that they do.

Remember: children are still learning to express themselves and manage their emotions. With patience, understanding, and a supportive environment, you can help your child develop healthier coping strategies. Young children need a strong, yet empathetic anchor and these tools will help you be just that. !  

This article is based on the inputs provided by our early childhood experts Rachel Robertson and Claire Goss, as discussed on Bright Horizon’s podcast for parents: “Teach.Play.Love”. You can listen to the episode here.