You’re on a mid-winter visit to your childhood home when your 85-year-old mom asks for a bottle of salad dressing from the pantry. The expiration date on the bottle says February — five years ago. Bottle after bottle is similarly outdated. Should you be concerned?

Maybe; maybe not.

Such moments are often side-eyed by adult children as early signs of their parents’ decline. And they could be — but they could be something more ordinary. “Sometimes things have surprisingly fixable explanations,” says Jennifer, a consultant who helps clients support senior relatives. The million-dollar question is how to know the difference.

What are some common concerns? Here are five issues that could raise antennae, what they might mean, and when to take further action.

1. The house is a mess.

When it’s a concern: They either don’t notice the extreme mess — or they don’t care. “When there are bags of trash piling up in the house or there’s unwashed laundry everywhere,” says Jennifer, “that needs to be looked into.” 

What else it could mean: They’re simply struggling to keep up with what they used to do. Carrying vacuums and bending and reaching gets harder as we age. Dialing back is a way of adapting previously stringent standards to one’s capabilities. “If the shift is minor and it doesn’t bother them,” says Jennifer, “then it’s really ok.”

A good question to ask: Could you use some help with the house?

2. Food is expired:

When it’s a concern: The fridge is filled with old food, and much of it is spoiled. “It’s worrisome,” says Jennifer, “when they can’t even tell you how long that food has been there, so you don’t even know if they’re eating.”

What else it could mean: They can’t read the dates. Expiration dates are really tiny — if you can find them at all. “I’ve seen situations with expired food,” says Jennifer, “that are more about reading glasses than mental acuity.”

A good question to ask: How are you managing with meals and grocery shopping?

3. They’re not going out as much.

When it’s a concern: Your dad is retreating from everyone — not even going to the grocery store. “It’s especially concerning,” says Jennifer, “if a previously social senior is generally seeming less and less happy and motivated.”

What else it could mean: Lack of transportation. Seniors go out less when driving becomes an issue — but they’re often afraid to speak up for fear it will mean losing the car. “When they’re offered other transportation options,” she adds, “the ones who want to go out will gladly take you up on it.”

Good question to ask: “I noticed you’re not going out so much anymore. Did something happen?”

4. There are multiple unpaid bills.

When it’s a concern: They have no concept of what’s outstanding. “If you mention the bills to them and they have no idea what you’re talking about,” says Jennifer, “you need to understand the root of the problem.”

What else it could mean: Technology has gotten the better of them. A lifetime of paper and checks is a hard habit to break, says Jennifer. “Maybe everything is switching to online, and they just don’t know how to shift with it.”

A good question to ask: What process are you using these days to pay your bills?

5. They’re losing things.

When it’s a concern: They’re repeatedly saying things that have gone missing or have been stolen. “Of course you want to consider whether it’s possible these items were stolen,” says Jennifer. “But those with dementia will often obsess conspiratorially over items — like underwear — that no one would be likely to steal.”

What else it could mean: They’re simply putting things in the wrong place. “We all lose things,” says Jennifer. “Leaving your phone at a restaurant — even more than once — is not a sign of dementia. It’s a sign of being human that can — and does — happen to any of us.”

A good question to ask: Are you set up with “find my” or air tags for important items?

In all cases, the biggest issue is not the individual symptom, but a dramatic change in behavior. “You know your loved ones,” says Jennifer. “Signs that something’s out of the ordinary or extreme should be things you should pay attention to.”

Still, she cautions that even if you are concerned, avoid judgment or infantilizing, and tread lightly.

“You don’t want to summarily jump in and start overhauling the pantry or cleaning the house,” she says, “What you want to do is to speak calmy, show respect, and illustrate you’re coming from a place of love.”

Wondering whether your parents need help — or how to help them? Your Bright Horizons® benefits may include a senior coach who can talk you through concerns, support, and services. Visit My Benefits - Care page for more details.