Loss is never easy. As parents and caregivers, we often wish we had a magic wand to protect our children from loss and the pain it causes. We may not know what to say and may even be grieving ourselves. While we cannot wave the magic wand, we can support our children in the development of appropriate and healthy coping skills when faced with loss.
When death becomes part of a child’s life, here are some things to keep in mind.
- One of the most important things to remember while supporting your child is that the child experiencing the loss defines the type of hurt. The resources you can use will be similar in any death situation (sudden or chronic, a parent or a pet).
- Prepare yourself emotionally. Your strength, focus, and patience will be needed.
- Understand your role. You are the child’s support person, so if you don’t know the answer to their question, say you don’t know.
- Be patient and available on the child’s terms and timeline.
- Remember, this is not about you—although you may need support for yourself.
- Listen to the child to discover what he or she knows and understands. More than anything else—listen, listen, listen.
- Expect emotion or lack thereof. Respect any reaction for its value to the individual. There may be more or less emotion than you expect, or the timing of the emotion may surprise you.
- Be familiar with what’s developmentally appropriate. Children understand different aspects of death based on their age, and where they are developmentally. When navigating death with children, it will be important to keep this in mind. For example, very young children may not realize that death is permanent; the concept of “forever” isn’t quite established yet.
- Reassure your child that he or she is safe and that you are safe. One death does not mean that death is imminent for anyone else.
- Use your knowledge of the child and skills of observation to determine your next steps.
- Know the facts and the right words and terms. The child may ask you what happened, and you will need to answer honestly in words that the child will understand. Try not to explain things in vague or complicated terms or euphemisms. For example, try to avoid saying things like “they are sleeping” or “they are gone”, as this can be confusing for young children.
- If the circumstances are sudden or tragic, focus on the happiness and goodness in the world—recognize that there is far more of it than there is not.
One of the most important things to remember when supporting your children with understanding and coping with death is your own feelings toward it. Many adults are often uncomfortable with the topic of death themselves, making it even more challenging to discuss with and support our children. When time is spend carefully giving thought to these conversations, you as the adult will feel much more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
