Caring for an elder? A care coach has 5 ways to create boundaries
Jen was helping her mother through some new health issues when the demands started flowing fast and furiously.
“Her calls were becoming constant,” says Jen. “I was totally sinking. It just felt selfish to say no.”
Experts say it’s not. Pushing back, in fact, is the opposite of selfish; it helps you create boundaries; it helps you avoid burnout that makes it impossible to keep caregiving. “When you take better care of yourself,” says Deanna, a consultant who helps clients manage the often-fraught job of caring for adults, “you can take better care of your family member.”
Still, even when you know setting boundaries is good for everyone, it’s not so easy. There’s guilt, anger from the family member, and as Jen can attest, nagging questions about whether you’re being selfish.
There are a few practical things you can do to get started.
Define your “boundaries.” Think about what would take the weight off. Be specific. Do you need to limit certain errands? Would it help to schedule phone calls instead of fielding them on an at-will basis? Jen’s issue was attending all her mom’s doctor’s appointments in person, something that had her driving long distances each week between her mother’s home and her own. Calling in for those visits saved her hours behind the wheel – and reduced a lot of stress. “Appointments that would have required two full days and an overnight were now just an hour,” says Jen. “That made a huge difference.”
Practice your message and don’t waver. Change is hard and new boundaries will require reinforcement. Discuss your intent with your family member and repeat plainly and dispassionately as often as is necessary. “My mom was not happy that I wasn’t coming home for all her appointments in person,” says Jen. “But I reminded her that she had her husband with her – and that I was still able to take notes and ask important questions by phone. I just had to be ok with the fact that she was upset.”
Silence the doom loop. Multiple anxious phone calls a day can themselves cause burnout. Extracting yourself will require not only practicing phone-answering restraint (not every call is an emergency), but also a way to communicate when the situation is truly dire. Some people suggest calling twice in quick succession; others text “911” with a message. In the absence of such notifications, know you can choose to send it to voicemail, and be confident of the decision.
Accept your feelings – and theirs. Being a caregiver is not synonymous with being selfless. You are human. You have feelings. You’re entitled to them. Your loved one can ask for whatever they want, but sometimes the answer is “no.” Learn to be ok with their feelings about it.
Don’t give into guilt. Boundaries are not created to abandon people – they’re created to protect you in the spaces you’re not needed so that you can be more effective when you really are. Remembering that will help you frame boundaries as something you’re doing not just for yourself, but also for the person you’re caring for.
Most of all, cut yourself some slack. Deanna says one of her most important jobs is to remind clients they’re good people, even when they say no. “‘No’ is not a bad word,” she says. “It’s important to realize what can and cannot be done.”
She also stresses to remember it’s not just you. Search “setting boundaries” online and you’ll get thousands of results – all people struggling with the same question. “I hear these questions every day,” Deanna says. “It’s not just you.”
